That Which Doesn't Kill Me
by Sheytune
Summary: Post "The Parts in the Sum Of the Whole". First chapter is Brennan, second chapter is Booth. Angsty.
1. Brennan

**Note: ** Post "The Parts in the Sum of the Whole". Very angsty. Consider yourself warned.

**Disclaimer: **I don't own them.

* * *

The first twenty-four hours are the hardest. After all, a broken heart hurts, even if you did it yourself.

She hadn't realized how many times in a day she called him or sent him a text message or got a teasing e-mail from him until suddenly she couldn't do any of that anymore.

He hadn't told her to stop, but he needed to move on, to find someone who could trust in love – in _him_ – enough to give him her whole heart.

She wants that for him.

She knows that she's not that person, so she hangs up before dialing that last digit. She hits delete instead of send.

All of her colleagues – _her_ _friends _- have noticed that _something _has changed. They tiptoe around her as if they're afraid that she'll shatter into a million pieces if they look at her the wrong way. She wants to berate them for this but she knows they love her and, if she's really honest with herself, she's not sure she _won't_ shatter.

She doesn't want to fall apart in front of them.

Work is her salvation – yes, the very _air_ reminds her of him, but without something concrete to focus on, she would go completely mad.

When she gets home and opens the fridge that still contains his favorite beer, she can no longer hold back the sobs. She sinks to the floor in front of the open fridge and cries, her arms wrapped around her knees in what Sweets would call a defensive posture. She wants to blame Sweets for how she feels, but she knows it's not his fault. He was just the catalyst. They have been moving towards this for a long time.

She doesn't let herself cry for long. She picks herself up and forces herself to choke down some leftovers that have lost all taste, then heads off to karate.

By the time she gets home again, she is physically exhausted enough to match her emotional exhaustion. She showers and crawls into bed, falling asleep almost immediately.

At 2:30 a.m. she finds herself wide awake, her metaphorical heart a painful lump in her chest. Every bit of her wants to call the one person who can make her feel better.

She doesn't.

After all, calling him would solve nothing – she still can't give him what he wants.

She wishes she could.

But, as she lies awake, she knows she made the right decision. They're both happier this way.

Well, they will be.

Eventually.

So she lies in bed, counting the minutes until she can get up and go to work, trying not to cry.

Yes, the first twenty-four hours are the hardest.

At least until the second twenty-four hours.


	2. Booth

**Note: ** Post "The Parts in the Sum of the Whole". Booth's POV.

**Disclaimer: **I don't own them.

* * *

I thought I stopped gambling when I met her. The truth is that I just changed games. The longer I played, the higher the stakes got. Before I realized it, I was risking more than I could afford to lose. I thought I would win.

I lost.

I still can't believe it. How did this go _so wrong_?

The first time I saw her, I _knew_. She's the one.

I was dazzled. She made me want to be a better person – so I changed. I started wearing flashy ties and socks. I worked harder. I did everything I could to become worthy of being with someone as amazing as her.

I worked to prove to her that I deserved to be with her. I became the person who was always there when she needed someone. I hopped on a plane whenever she asked me to – and sometimes even when she didn't. I held her when she cried. I gave her a ride when her car was in the shop. I brought her take-out late at night. I gave her silly gifts.

After all, fate may have brought us together, but I had to do my part.

Of course, she doesn't believe in fate. The first time I mentioned the idea of there being one person out there for everyone, she laughed at me.

Despite how fascinated I was with her, I had to admit that we had _nothing _in common. I believe in intuition. She believes in science. I believe in God. She thinks it's a fairy tale – like the Easter Bunny or Santa Claus. I believe in love. She believes that monogamy is unnatural.

Over the past six years, we've grown towards each other. We still disagree on a lot of things, but we respect each other enough to accept our differences.

As we grew closer, I fell deeper and deeper until it seemed like my life was centered around one goal – never admitting to myself how much I loved her. If I didn't admit it, I wouldn't have to deal with it.

That all fell apart last night.

While we sat there with Sweets talking about how we met, I realized I couldn't deny it anymore. I love her. I want to spend my life with her.

I was terrified.

What if she said no?

_What if she said yes?_

Of course, now that I'd admitted it to myself, I _had_ to tell her. Sweets telling me that I needed to be the one to make the first move was the final push that I needed.

I told her I wanted to spend my life with her – to love her forever – and I kissed her.

She said she couldn't be what I want and she couldn't change.

_She's _what I want. She's what I've always wanted. I don't want her to change.

But she said no.

I'm an optimist. I believe in love that lasts forever. I believe that people do the right thing most of the time. I believe that love is stronger than hate and that the good guys win.

I know she's been hurt before and that she doesn't believe that love can last, but I thought she believed in _me._ I thought that she could trust in what we have enough to risk it.

I thought we'd be together forever.

I was wrong.

When she asked me if we could still work together, I _knew _I should say no – take some time and space to heal, to get over her, to move on.

I said yes.

I told her we could work together but that I'd have to move on, to find someone else. I don't want to be alone forever. Deep down, I was hoping that the thought of me with someone else would make her realize what she – what _we _– were throwing away. Instead, she said she understood.

There's _no way _I would understand if she wanted to find someone else.

Of course, I'm going to have to figure out a way to understand. If I'm out on a futile mission to find someone I can love as much as I love her, she's not going to be sitting at home alone.

God, I don't want to see her with someone else.

I want her to be happy more than I want her to be with me, though, so if the only way she can be happy is to be with someone else, I'll have to find a way to accept it.

I'll have to get up in the morning and go to work. I won't send her any silly text messages or e-mails. When there's a case, I'll pick her up without stopping to get her favorite coffee first.

I'll watch men try to pick her up without trying to stop them. I'll go on dates and try not to feel like I'm cheating on her.

I'll skip going for drinks with the squints. Hey, I can hang out with Hodgins and Wendell and Cam separately – and let's face it, the rest of them are weird and annoying at best. Well, not Angela, but what are Angela and I going to talk about now?

I hope Bones finds someone who can love her – someone who she can love back.

I just wish it could be me.


End file.
